Recently, I’ve been watching The Big Bang Theory with my parents. It’s entertaining, in that sitcom way. And I love sitcoms.
However, as a fully-grown nerd who now can grasp the intricacies of a relationship, I’ve realized something.
The Big Bang Theory does not understand the concept of compromise in a relationship.
It’s not a bad show, by any means. It makes me laugh my head off, and I’ve always felt a bit of a kinship with Raj. However, its portrayal of romantic relationships has always been a little… off.
I’ve been watching a few episodes, and in that time, I’ve noticed Bernadette giving away Howard’s life-size TARDIS and Penny slowly getting rid of Leonard’s collectibles because they moved in together. And I guess that it’s still not socially acceptable to be a nerd, but… it’s not as fun when these kinds of things happen to you in real life.
Leonard and Penny’s bedroom. (Source: HBO Max)
Penny’s makeover of the bedroom. (Source: HBO Max)
All my life, people have judged me for my hobbies. At first it was just because it wasn’t “girly” enough, but now it’s because I’m “too old” for it. And hearing this same rhetoric over and over in The Big Bang Theory makes me realize why I watched Tumblr go absolutely wild when it was over.
The Big Bang Theory enforces strict gender roles, and it’s kind of obvious when you look at it. There isn’t a single main female character that cares about nerdy things in any way, shape, or form, and in fact they’re all trying to get rid of all their boyfriends’/husbands’ collectibles and trinkets.
Touching my trinkets is break-up worthy behavior!
The closest thing that The Big Bang Theory has to a supportive relationship is between Sheldon and Amy, and from the way the laugh-tracks pop up every time Amy tries to use nerd stuff to attract Sheldon, it’s clear you’re supposed to be laughing at her too.
Why is liking superheroes, science fiction, and fantasy worthy of such ridicule? And why is it expected that when the nerds get married, everything they like is thrown or given away? And why is it always the women throwing them away?
If The Big Bang Theory thinks that women can’t be into nerdy things, then I guess I have bad news for myself and half the people I met at Otakufest Holiday Special— we apparently don’t exist!
And quite a bit of the nerdy stuff that they’re into was built by women. The entire concept of modern fandom was built by women who wanted to see Kirk and Spock kiss, but now women are being shoved out of the spaces that we built!
A home is meant to make everyone that lives in it happy. While watching Season 8 Episode 13 “The Skywalker Incursion,” where Howard’s TARDIS gets given away to Amy because Bernadette didn’t want it in her house, I just… sat there. The idea of selling the things that I’ve put years of my heart and soul into is bad enough, but them being given away by people I trust and love? That’s a hard blow.
But The Big Bang Theory being “adorkably misogynistic” isn’t anything new, and laughing at the nerds it portrays isn’t anything new either. What I’m trying to say is… why isn’t there any kind of middle ground between a nerd and a “regular person?” Why can’t there be compromise? A poster here and there, a few figurines between novels— why is that never the solution?
I mean if your spouse likes red and you like blue, the answer isn’t everything has to be red or blue. The answer is to pick things you both like.
And if you had an apartment full of blue things and your significant other or spouse just started throwing them away, wouldn’t you be upset?
The point isn’t nerdy stuff vs “regular” stuff, the point is that The Big Bang Theory fundamentally doesn’t believe in compromise, in sharing— it believes that a relationship has to be all-or-nothing when that’s not how healthy relationships work.
And far be it for me to say that sitcoms are the end-all-be-all for showing healthy, communicative relationships, but The Big Bang Theory is a little different. It doesn’t really call anyone out for doing something stupid. In Everybody Loves Raymond Season 6 Episode 28 “The Bigger Person,” Debra destroys Ray’s brand new golf club, but she was provoked by Ray exploiting a fight she was having with Marie for personal benefit. It’s a different situation, an escalation that makes sense in the world of sitcoms because… well, they’re sitcoms! They’re meant to be a little insane!
He tried to play his wife and his mother against each other for days so she’d give him more stuff. (Source: Paramount+)
And going deeper into the world of classic sitcoms, my personal favorite has always been Frasier. Season 1 Episode 19 “Give Him The Chair” is one of my favorite episodes of Frasier for the reason that “The Skywalker Incursion” is one of my least favorite episodes of The Big Bang Theory. The basic plot of the episode is that Frasier throws away his father’s chair because he hates how it clashes with his decor, and his father freaks out over it because he adores that chair.
And after that, Frasier searched the entirety of Seattle and joined the cast of a school play to get that chair back. He realized he was wrong.
Frasier trying to get his father’s chair back (Source: Paramount+)
The Big Bang Theory implies that what Penny and Bernadette are doing is almost… right, in a way, and that’s the real problem. When Ray is a bad husband, he gets punished. When Frasier Crane throws away his father’s chair, he has to go on an adventure to get it back. When Penny and Bernadette do something that’s inherently wrong, their husbands always lose. And that’s just not fair.
Sitcom behavior is always overexaggerated, because they’re trying to be fun to watch. But it’s really the insidiousness of what The Big Bang Theory tries to do— it tries to imply that being a nerd is strange and deserving of ridicule, and that forcing someone to get rid of their hobbies is fine in the effort to try to make someone become a more “normal person.” And if a nerd is in a relationship with a “normal person,” the “normal person” gets to do whatever they want because they’re not a nerd and don’t get the basic respect anyone deserves.
Whether it’s a chair or a Superman action figure, the point is the same— it’s just that The Big Bang Theory doesn’t follow the theory of escalation in TV. Howard and Leonard didn’t do anything to warrant a sitcom escalation in this matter. The joke in these scenarios wasn't that they were bad husbands, the joke is that they’re into nerdy things at all.
The Big Bang Theory is not a bad show. It can definitely get a good laugh out of you, and it’s really fun. However, it’s got those moments that give you pause a lot more than a lot of other sitcoms. It’s a lot more fun when the joke is that someone does something stupid and gets punished for it, rather than someone likes something “stupid” and gets punished for it.